5
I LEFT THE EXPERIENCE WITH MY MIND FLUTTERED, which was ironic because the event was to teach how we can calm our minds. How was I to make use in this view on wisdom? I liked the idea of not dwelling on one’s problems and to not get so agitated by them that they take over. And just having been fired from a job I actually hated I knew I had problems I was dwelling on. In particular was what I was going to do for money. But I had enough savings for months so this wasn’t an immediate concern. Drugs and alcohol were my usual remedy for dealing with life’s problems, but I knew that couldn’t go on forever. That knowledge didn’t, however, stop me from drinking and getting high.
At home I smoked some weed that I had left over from months prior. I was just a small amount. I nearly forgotten I had it. I thought about meditation and how I tried and failed at it so many times in the past. This intimidated me deeply. But I thought now that I’d give it another try. The next day was a full week since I had been fired, but I barely noticed it. The days of the week cease to have their meaning when you have no schedule to keep. Each day was the same. I’d wake up around noon, go online, make something to eat and then find out how I could satisfy my intellectual curiosities. What’s a life without work? We spend so much time thinking about our careers and how to make money and then spend so much time on our jobs once we have them that this seemed to consume much of modern life. Without work or an immediate need to make money, life just seemed to largely revolve around one’s hobbies and passions. I had become this. My hobby was to enjoy my life to the fullest and to keep searching for that wisdom—that meaning—that purpose that I felt was not fulfilled by working and making money.
I picked up a dusty old copy of the Teachings of the Buddha that I had laying around. It must have been a gift from someone years ago. I don’t even think I had read more than a few pages. Such a waste. I skimmed through in search of wisdom, turning several pages. Here was a page on on virtue:
The perfume of sandalwood,
Rosebay or jasmine
Cannot travel against the wind.
But the fragrance of virtue
Travels even against the wind,
As far as the ends of the world.
Like garlands woven from a heap of flowers,
Fashion from your like as many good deeds.
I liked it. Many beautiful things cannot spread as easily as virtue can. But what is virtue? Who is a virtuous person? Was I? I felt like I did no harm. I was not a violent or easily agitated person. I cared for others, though it had been a while since I volunteered my services. I gave to charity, but only in the form donating old clothes and appliances. I worked, paid taxes. Or at least I used to. I stayed out of trouble. Wasn’t that enough?
The Buddhist teachings on virtue only seemed to open up more questions than answers. Wisdom seemed to deal more with knowledge, and virtue more with ethics. I cared about both. I wanted knowledge and the wisdom to apply it. And I wanted to have ethics and the character of virtue. But I also wanted to live, and not just exist.
The next day I decided I needed some familiar company, so I called up Pete again and asked him if he wanted to get a drink. I needed someone to talk to about my experiences. We met at a local bar for happy hour. Two for one drinks until seven p.m. Go for it. I was on a tight budget and didn’t want to drain my savings, which at that point was just a little over three thousand dollars. That could last me a few months—depending of course on how I spent it. We met at the bar as usual.
“Do you think you want to live to be really old?” I asked Pete. He smiled.
“Remember when we were in high school and used to talk about dying at twenty-seven like Jim Morrison and Jimi Hendrix did?” he replied.
“I remember that,” I replied.
“Now here we are, past our twenties and in our thirties goddamn it looking back at twenty-seven like it was nothing. It seemed so old when we were seventeen.”
“It sure does,” I said.
“But I don’t know,” he continued. “Is it better to live a happy fulfilling life and die relatively young, or to live a boring life and live to be ninety?” He paused for a moment, his head in an upward gaze. “I think I’d rather die young.”
“How young?” I asked. Another pause.
“Thirty-seven.”
“I guess thirty-seven is the new twenty-seven,” I said. “It seems like what was once considered ‘old’ no longer is. I mean forty is not really old anymore. It used to be.”
“What about you?” he asked. “Would you rather die young or old?”
“I think….I’m not sure. The only reason why I’d want to live a really long time is to see all the new changes in the world, the new technology and discoveries. But if my life is miserable I’d rather die I guess. I’ve had this idea that I’d die at fifty. You know many famous people never made it to fifty. But fifty seems awfully young nowadays. It’s middle aged but still young. I do feel that I haven’t done not nearly enough to feel comfortable dying now. I really want to make a difference in this world.”
“Yeah yeah we all do,” Pete said just after finishing his beer. “I think there are certain times where it’s perfectly acceptable to accept death. Like if I were to get cancer I wouldn’t go get chemotherapy. I would let the cancer kill me. If getting cancer is nature’s desire, then I’m supposed to die from cancer. Who am I to tell nature what to do?”
“Woa. That’s profound,” I quipped. “Are you sure this has nothing to do with the fact that you have no health insurance?”
“Definitely not.”
“You know I too lost my health insurance once I lost my job. I’m now in a situation where if I get seriously hurt I’m financially fucked.”
“It’s such a stupid system we have where healthcare is tied to employment, and even then I’m working and I have no healthcare.”
“Yeah, the restaurant industry is like that. I had healthcare insurance but I never used it. With my luck I’ll soon have an accident and need it.”
“Speaking of accidents, what plans have you made for camping?” Pete asked.
“I totally forgot all about it. I’ve been so busy meeting all these new people that I haven’t made any plans.”
“Why don’t we right now commit to going next weekend?” he asked in way that sounded much more like a statement. “I can take the weekend off and instead I’ll work Monday and Tuesday. And you obviously can go since you have nothing to do.”
“Yeah, I can do that. I just gotta get supplies and the tickets, which shouldn’t cost me that much. Like forty, fifty dollars altogether, tops. And I need to get some mushrooms because we’re going to need it.”
“Get on it.”
“I’m not sure I can so that. I lost my connect that I used to have. I also need money for it.”
“Look, I’ll pay for the shrooms.”
“That makes me more confident.” I thought for a moment. “I wonder if Dan has any.”
“Dan?”
“Yeah. Dan. My friend from Jersey, remember he used to come by and hang out last winter a few times.” Pete looked up and pondered. “Remember that night last winter me, you, Sophian, and him went bar hopping in the city when we got in that argument over who would pay for the cab.”
“Oh yeah. That’s Dan. I remember now”
“Yeah, he sells. He’s hit some rough times like me lately and he’s been selling weed and pills for a little bit. That’s why he doesn’t really hang out as much. I’ll ask him, and ask if he wants to go camping with us.”
“Awesome man. Sounds like a plan. Another beer?”
“Why not? As long as it’s still happy hour, I’m thirsty.” Pete got the bartender’s attention who quickly poured us some cold brews.
“Tell me about this spiritual shit you’ve been doing.”
“I went to a meditation class taught by this guy who studied Buddhism and meditation in China. It was pretty amazing. He had this whole philosophy on what is wisdom that I thought was very intriguing.”
“So what is wisdom?”
“According to him, wisdom is having the ability to be aware of the present moment and the clarity to deal with the thoughts that arise and your negative reactions so that you’re no longer entangled in them. It’s recognizing the condition of our body and our minds and not getting caught by them.”
“Caught how?
“Well consider how when someone bumps into you your initial reaction might be anger and hatred of that person, and a lot of people let their emotions get to them. And then they dwell on it for a long time after the fact. Wisdom is the ability to recognize that and to not react in those ways and to not dwell on your emotions. It’s mental clarity. This dude was so relaxed. You know people who meditate and extremely chill and content.”
“Yeah I know. Did you meditate?”
“I did with the group and you know for a moment, just a moment, I think I might have touched up on that aum.
“You mean nirvana?”
“No it wasn’t nirvana. I didn’t have complete bliss, but I did have a moment when I felt that I just was. I felt almost at one with the universe.”
“Woa. You're scaring me now.”
“Why?”
“You’re getting a little too spiritual.”
“Dude there’s nothing supernatural about meditation. It’s a completely secular exercise. You don’t have to embrace any crazy supernatural dimension in order to get the benefits of meditation.”
“Well I hope you stay grounded on earth. I don’t want to see you in a month playing music with the Hare Krishna in the subway with your head shaved. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. I just wouldn’t like to lose a friend that way.”
I laughed. “Don't worry man. I’m gonna stay grounded in reality. You can be an atheist and do yoga, right? You don’t need to believe in the Hindu gods in order get the benefits of yoga, right? In that same line you don’t need to believe in souls or reincarnation to get the benefits of meditation.”
“Ok, so if this is wisdom, how do you apply it in your life?”
“I’m trying to figure that out. Wisdom isn’t just knowing a bunch of stuff. That’s knowledge. Wisdom is know how to apply your knowledge. But my thirst is for both knowledge and wisdom. I want to learn as much as I can, now that I have the free time. I want epiphanies.”
“That’s what the shrooms will be for.”
“Speaking of which I’ll text Dan to see if he has any by this weekend. We want an 8th of an ounce each right? That should be about thirty dollars each.”
“I’ll give you the money in a bit.”
I got out my phone and texted Dan:
Yo Dan it’s Mike. How you been man?
A few minutes later he texted me back.
Dan: Yo Mike, what’s up man? Been a long time.
Me: I know. What you been up to?
Dan: Nuthin much. Chillin. You?
Me: I’m going camping next weekend and I need your services.
Dan: Woa. Cool man. What do you need?
Me: I need shrooms.
Dan: I got it.
Me: Awesome man. We need like 2 or 3 8ths.
Dan: I can get that. I got some good shit. Who you going with?
Me: Pete. you met him before.
Dan: Pete?
Me: Yeah, he works at the restaurant, remember that time with Sophian?
Dan: Oh yeah.
Me: Yo if you wanna come by that’s cool. We want more people.
Dan: When?
Me: This weekend saturday and sunday.
Dan: Let me see. Maybe. When you need the shit?
Me: asap. Come to the city, let’s hang out.
Dan: I can come on thursday.
Me: I can meet then, anytime.
Dan: Don’t you have work?
Me: No I got fired.
Dan: Oh shit. What happened?
Me: Long story, I will tell you thursday.
Dan: Ok cool man.
Me: let’s meet in the afternoon like 3 or 4. I don't wanna get up early.
Dan: Ok. I’ll take the train in. lets meet in the city.
Me: ok, so we’ll meet at 4pm.
Dan: yeah i’ll have the shit.
Me: cool. See you then.
And that was it. I had secured shrooms for our trip and increased our group one more. This was going to be fun. Camping with my bros, getting high. It was something to look forward to indeed. I needed to get out of the city. For nearly a year it had been getting up and going to work and going home with no vacation in between.
So I finished my last beer as happy hour ran out. It was seven pm, still light out and hot as fuck. Pete said he had to run some errands and needed to go in a half hour. I tried to see what I could do. I was short on money and so drinking all night either by myself or with other company was not really a practical option. And so, I just went home. It wasn’t an eventful day but at least I did make plans to go camping and get some shrooms. I stopped by the store to go buy some camping supplies on the way home since the camping trip was no longer theoretical, it was now going to happen.
